ratpag Shares Advice With a Few of Our Most Troubled Readers

Life just feeling like too much?  ratpag's here to help.

Life just feeling like more than you can handle? ratpag’s here to help.

Oh man that three-day weekend was nice!  ratpag’s refreshed and ready to go!  What do we have first on the agenda…ugh.  Mail bag.

Someone in the public relations department thought it’d be a good idea if ratpag, so full of answers and ideas, gave advice to you, our troubled readers, and so we put out a call for participants, a la Maury (“Are you cheating on your car with rail and transit?  Trouble finding out which method of rail and transit gave you those embarrassing warts?”).  Anyway,

Dear ratpag,

I recently switched from commuting by car to commuting by rail and transit.  I’m concerned that such a switch will cost me valuable office-time as I’ve been reading many horror stories about trains delayed due to hot rails, cars driving onto tracks, and even a train that left without any of its passengers.  Every minute that I’m late for the office is agonizing and makes me consider…well…bad things.   Should I start driving again?

Concerned in Missouri

Dear Concerned,

Sure, start driving again.  ratpag doesn’t care.  One of ratpag’s greatest joys is being stuck on a delayed work-bound train as we are supremely confident in our ability to leave work at the same time every day no matter how many hours we actually existed inside our office.  We bring a big cup of coffee, a newspaper, and a long novel and delight in the time that we’re not at work.  It’s pretty clear that your belief system does not align with ours.  In effort to sway you not to drive – could you not work while commuting via rail, thus increasing your “productivity” time over even the time it would take for you to drive (assuming you’re not attempting to drive and work)?  Think about that.  Also think about taking a vacation.

Dear ratpag,

I take a commuter bus to and from work each day which really helps me keep my drinking levels up.  After work last Tuesday I went to happy hour and had a few too many on an empty stomach.  I boarded what I thought was my bus but it turned out to be the wrong one and I woke up in a park-and-ride lot somewhere in the mountains and was very confused.  I called a few friends to pick me up but no one answered so I had to sleep in a drainage ditch until the buses starting rolling for the morning commute.  A bear or reintroduced mountain lion pulled at my pant leg at one point but I kicked him in the snout and he ran off.  What should I do to avoid another such mishap?

YouDrink2DrinksIDrink4 in Pennsylvania

Dear Drinks,

We want to commend you for having the sense and awareness to not drive in spite of your eagerness to drink as much as possible, wherever possible, at all costs.  Kudos.  We think you’re a strong candidate for a military-style dog tag.  Perhaps instead of “SS number” or “Religion” you could indicate your bus route and target destination.  Such measures, while maybe a bit of a hassle, should allow you to continue along with your current lifestyle without having to submit to timely AA meetings or tense, unprepared nights in the wild.

That seems like the right amount of advice for a Monday.  Remember to leave work early today, everybody!

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