ratpag’s EXCLUSIVE Interview With The Enemy



ratpag is a democracy or a republic.  And as a democracy/republic, we feel that it’s important to get to know what the other side is thinking so that one can know where to attack and where to prepare one’s defenses for a long, drawn-out battle of ideologies.

In this respect, we asked our bitter enemy, NAARP (National Anti-Association of Railroad Passengers), if they’d be interested in sitting down with us for an interview.  Never ones to turn down the opportunity for some free publicity on our pages, NAARP readily agreed and sat down with us for a lengthy and, at times, tense interview.  What follows has been edited for brevity’s sake though no context or wording has been changed.

Why do you hate ratpag?

We feel that you’re probably a bunch of drop-outs, a bunch of beatniks, who’d like to see the whole country dragged down to your level of destitution and apathy.  We advocate for all forms of non-rail and non-public transit conveyance and, as such, it seems natural that the “Rail and Transit Progress Advocacy Group” would be in our targets.  

We also don’t like that you refuse to take our threats seriously and, thus, refuse to take each and every one of our members seriously, which is a direct challenge to our manhood.  We think you’re communists at worst and drains on society at best.  We think you don’t like cars because you’re too lazy to work and buy a car.  We also think that, if you did have jobs, that you’d do nothing but sit around and waste company dollars before they wised up and fired you.  Of course, we’re also confident that you’d likely work for the government and couldn’t get fired, which we really hate.  And you’d probably take your government check and use it to donate to some socialist or communist or find a way to donate it to yourself.

Interesting.  Do you think there’s any middle ground where ratpag and NAARP could come together, harmoniously, to fight the scourge of overcrowded highways and polluted cities?


In your first correspondence with us, on March 25, you asked us to “cease and desist all pro-public transportation and train propaganda” while in your April 25 letter you stated “consider this strike two”.  What did you mean by that?

Ugh.  Do you know how in baseball a batter gets three strikes before he’s out?

Are you asking us?  Yes, we’re familiar with three strikes in baseball.  We’re unclear of how “strike two” fits in the context of your letter to us.

It was a threat.  We were saying that you only have one more strike until you, ratpag, are out.

You’re aware that ratpag is not a baseball team?

We’re not answering this.  Next question.

Where does NAARP see itself in five years?

We hope for a future where NAARP is not needed because of our many victories over hopeless, wasteful causes such as ratpag.

What would you say is NAARP’s greatest strength?

We care too much and will never give up.

And its greatest weakness?

Larry’s had four heart attacks.  

Describe a difficult situation / project and how you overcame it.

Are these job interview questions?

What is Larry’s role at NAARP?

Larry is a good man and an important, irreplaceable cog in the machine that is NAARP.  He’s the utility man of the organization and the main ideas man.  He also knows how to adjust the air conditioner.

Four heart attacks?

Larry takes his job very seriously and that stress weighs on him heavily both physically and spiritually.  We convinced him to switch from coffee to green tea but it’s been a battle to get him to lay off the cigars.  Larry doesn’t like being told what to do.

No, of course not.  He sounds like a man of conviction.

We wouldn’t be here without Larry.

Well, I think that’s all the time we have for today.  Thanks again, NAARP, for agreeing to this very unlikely interview.

Can we say one more thing?

We’re really out of time.

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