ratpag ceremoniously shitcanned this summer’s intern a few weeks ago because, being an employer’s market, we felt we could do better. So we advertised our new unpaid opening to all interested and watched the desperate resumes come in. Hearty laughs were shared at ratpag HQ as each and every individual was dissected over copious amounts of expensive alcohol and six-foot subs (all to be written off) before deciding that we could profit off the work of others without even having to hire them!
So, without further ado, the first applicant in ratpag’s Internship Contest and why Frederick from Maryland will not be offered a position. Enjoy!
[Editor’s note: We will be marking the strikes against each applicant in their text. This is our equivalent to the joy a teacher must have when marking with red pen yet another exam of the perpetually failing student.]
Hi everyone! This is Frederick, the new intern at Ratpag! [Strike 1: Announcing one’s name. Strike 2: Having an obviously shticky pen name like “Frederick from Maryland”. Strike 3: Assuming one is hired during the application process] Many thanks to [name redacted] the Intern for giving me the chance to advocate for rail and transit! I am a rising junior at the University of Maryland [Strike 4: Not Ivy League] and I am studying History and Architecture and wish to be a planner so I can disrupt the stale and outdated field of planning and urban design [Strike 5: Massive run-on sentence] by shifting the paradigm [Strike 6: Violation of ratpag style guide] away from passenger cars and towards more sustainable, green, and urban-scaled transportation options.
I, Frederick, was very interested about the ways I could shift the transportation patterns and, when I found Ratpag’s [Strike 7: Capitalizing the “r” in “ratpag”] advertisement for unpaid internships, I used various disruptive transportation options to travel from the University of Maryland’s campus to the Ratpag world headquarters in New York City. First, I used car2go, then Lyft transported me, and then I used Uber for a short trip before I bike-shared across Baltimore, then used a Zip Car before car2go again and, finally, Uber again. [Strike 8: Too much car-oriented travel. Strike 9: You’re obviously lying] Uber drove me across the George Washington Bridge before going over the Triborough Bridge and onto the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway (I-278) followed by going over the Kosciuszko Bridge, Williamsburg Bridge, and finally over the [ratpag global HQ location redacted].
As I was watching my location on my smartphone I realized that New York City has a surplus of highways and bridges and, methinks [Strike 10: Too colloquial], someone should repurpose some of this wasteful street space for a more productive, modern use use [Strike 11: You used “use” two times in a row – why did you do that?]. Since I first Ubered over to get into the city, I think the George Washington Bridge should be re-striped to have fewer vehicular lanes and more open space. As an example, Streetsblog shows us this idea to turn some of the travel lanes of 177th Street in the Bronx into park space. The city should restrict vehicles from accessing the bride [Strike 12: Typo] and allocate the space in the upper lanes of the bridge into green space with grass and trees. As proof that this is feasible, I will show the one and only good idea ever developed by the University of Virginia: the South Lawn Project. The South Lawn Project is a grassy campus plaza built on a structure over a local street, adjacent to the main quad on UVA’s [Foul tip: The “A” doesn’t stand for anything, it should read U.Va] campus [Foul tip: Grounds]. The grass on my toes was so comfortable when, in celebration of UMD’s latest win over UVA, I vomited over the railing onto vehicles passing below [Vomiting on cars? We’ll deduct a strike for this: Strike 11].
The lower level of the bridge could be re-striped as bicycle lanes, walking trails and pedestrian plazas [Strike 12: Missing Oxford comma]. The city has already done this in its downtown area, the Times Square Pedestrian Plaza. Nearby, New York also has an example of elevated infrastructure being used as a trail, where the High Line Elevated Park was built on an abandoned elevated subway line. The lower level of the George Washington Bridge could be a similar series of walking trails and green spaces.
Some car-centric people have been brainwashed by the driving culture and would think it not feasible to close the only non-tunnel vehicle link between New Jersey and New York City. But they have not taken the extensive series of planning and design courses I have taken and they do not understand the shifting paradigm and disruptive technology hitting the transportation system. The Amtrak Gateway project is nearly completed and, with self-driving cars ready to cut congestion by close to 100%, the need is clearly no longer present for this unnecessary pavement space.
ratpag here again. So you finished with 12 strikes which, in actual baseball terms, is 4 strikeouts and that means you got the golden sombrero. Normally, sombreros are a good thing but not so much here in the world of ratpag. We sort of drifted off about halfway through so we’re not sure what good, if any, ideas you might have had. In any case, let’s make this easy for all of us by saying:
Thank you for your interest in the unpaid internship – 937248adk3 – New York position at ratpag.
We have reviewed your submission and application and carefully considered your qualifications. However, we have decided to continue to pursue other applicants who more closely match the needs of this position.
Please take this time to complete a survey at 1-800-382-5633 to tell us how we can make your job applying experience better.
Thank you again for your interest in ratpag and best of luck in your career search.
ratpag Talent Acquisition